Aggghhhhhhhhh! SHIT! Aggghhhhhhhhh!
That was me for the first half of last week.
I’d been waiting for Monday for what felt like an eternity. It was the day I finally started my 16 week acting course at the Actors’ Temple. Every afternoon, Monday to Friday.
In my mind, life was going to get busy, but manageable. Mornings (for February at least) I’d be figuring out ways to earn my £30 a day for the challenge and raising extra for the Alzheimer’s Society. Afternoons I’d head to my course and I’d go from there to any shifts I could pick up at my part time theatre job.
But after a week at the Actors Temple it became evident there were a couple of major things I hadn’t factored in…
1. Each session is like running a marathon. It leaves me physically and emotionally exhausted in the extreme. It’s like living your whole emotional life in the space of 4 hours. Every. Single. Day.
2. Homework. They DIDN’T SAY there’d be homework before I handed over my cash to pay for the course. And yet I found myself, in week one, having to write and learn a monologue.
SHIT. SHIT. SHIT.
How the hell am I going to cope with all of this? How will I fit in homework between my £30 a day challenge and working at the theatre? When will I find time to eat? How will I cope with the late nights and early mornings? How will I find time to blog, respond to emails, stay fit, keep up with the people who are important in my life?
So for the first half of last week, instead of feeling busy but in control, I felt totally out of control and completely exhausted. I found myself stuffing peanut butter and jam sandwiches down in the 10 minutes I had between acting classes finishing and theatre shifts starting. And cadbury’s cream eggs at midnight when I got home from those shifts (oh, the shame!) and having melt downs in front of my poor flat mate who was probably wondering how on earth she’s going to deal with me for the next 16 weeks!
My plate was overloaded. And I was overwhelmed.
But 16 weeks of overwhelm was not going to get me very far. What to do?
1. Live with the overwhelm, for a while.
I’ve always fled from overwhelm. My brain registers immediate panic when I think there’s too much going on and I find the first opportunity to make my life less busy so I can go back to having a comfortable existence.
But I’ve learned this week that an important part of becoming an actor is getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. So if my partner is in front of me screaming at me that I’m a bitch, or if I’ve got a seriously good looking guy holding my head in his hands inches from his, looking deep in to my eyes, or if I’m in floods of tears in front of someone because they’ve told me I’m a demanding cry baby (all of which happened this week, by the way), those things are seriously uncomfortable for me. But staying with it and living through it, eventually makes it less so.
And I figured I could probably apply this to my life too.
On Monday and Tuesday last week I was just about ready to pack in my £30 a day challenge, or the acting course, or the blog, or anything that would give me a sense of control back. But a couple of constructive conversations with people who could see my situation from the outside convinced me just to let the days go by and see how my feelings changed.
And change they did. By Friday I’d settled in to the course. I’d done 3 late shifts at the theatre but miraculously hadn’t yet turned in to a pumpkin. I’d found a few minutes to work on my monologue, done some work for my blog and met a couple of friends for lunch.
I can fit in more than I thought. Breathe.
2. There’s only now
My overwhelm was based on my idea of what the next few weeks would be like. I’d formed an image in my head based on my past experiences and what I expected to happen, none of which was the reality of the situation.
Accept each day, each hour, each minute, each moment as they come. All we have is now. The past is over and the future is yet to come.
Right now, in this moment, everything is ok. Breathe.
3. Failing is ok
I’ve connected with a lot of people in the last few months who are following a more unconventional life path. And something they’ve all told me is that failure is good, that it’s where you learn the most, that if you’re not failing, you’re not trying hard enough. And yet my stubborn nature still finds that hard to accept. Failure has always meant weakness and an inability to cope.
But fail we must if we are to succeed. Whoever learned to walk without falling over, to ride a bike without falling off, to speak without getting the words wrong?
Getting things wrong is an essential part of eventually getting things right.
The £30 a day challenge is yet to start and no doubt that feeling of overwhelm will come once more as I try to deal with an even fuller life. But if I live with it for a while to see what the reality is, take each day as it comes and remember that failure isn’t my enemy, it will all be ok in the end.
Tell me I’m not alone! Share your overwhelm stories and your top tips for dealing with it. Comments and feedback BELOW!
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Great effort getting though the first week, I’m sure it will get a little easier now and remember, one day at the time.
Falling really is ok, those who don’t fall never tries hard enough, thank you for reminding me
Oh and keep the blog please
Thanks for the encouragement Poul! Yes indeed, one day at a time, that’s what I need to remember.
It’s hard to think of failure as a good thing isn’t it, but I suppose it really is!
I don’t think I could give up the blog, I love it too much!
Thanks for your comment!
Leah
Hi Leah, you did well so to step back and look at the ‘here and now’ as opposed to what ‘could’ happen! So good to hear you have friends who can give you a nudge when the doubt creeps in. If that’s all you need to get back on track, then stick with it girl ; ).
Allowing yourself to fail is a biggy – you’re not alone in thinking that sort of implies, ‘i’m WEAK’, ‘i’m not coping!’. Failing would be to sit back and not do anything in my eyes : ). And anyway, who in this world ever gets it right first…or second time(!) for that matter.
Fred Astaire was told he “can’t act.”
After being chucked out of the very company he started, Steve jobs said, “It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.”
You can read more examples here: http://www.businessinsider.com/15-people-who-failed-before-becoming-famous-2012-10?op=1#ixzz2JNP6gtBm
I on the other hand, avoid failing at every cost. I’m eh, working on it.
P.s Don’t you dare abandon blog. It’s really helping me!
xxx
Hi Heather – good to hear from you! Firstly, I just went to your blog (http://attheendoftheroadturn.wordpress.com/) …erm, you quit you job?????!!! Congratulations! How does it feel?
That link you posted is brilliant, thank you! It’s a good reminder that EVERYONE fails, even the people we think must have known exactly what they were doing from the beginning. Still, it’s going to be something that I need to remind myself of often. It’s really a difficult thing not to think of failure as meaning that you’re useless. And yes, having good people around me is a huge help in keeping me on track, I’m very lucky in that respect.
The line in the post about giving up my blog was not a plea for compliments – although I admit it’s been rather nice to hear that people think I should keep it
Heather – keep me up to date with how everything is going. Life begins here! xx
Leah, it feels SOOO GOOOOOOD – like someone has flicked the light switch and I can finally see things for what they really are. I was chatting to a girl on my certificate course today who quit here job one month ago, and we both agreed that it’s quite scary to think what life would be like if we never found that courage to take a leap without having a next step…Terrifying but blooming empowering.
I hope your blog goes far and wide girl because it’s helped/is helping me enormously by being a reminder to not slip back into old ways, and to have the courage to keep reaching for what I want – I’m positive it aint plane sailing from this point onwards!
P.S Thanks for linking to the blog. I’ll mention ‘Where is life’ in the next post ☺ (not to just ‘return the favour’ but because you’re FAB.
Take care
x
Heather – I’m so pleased for you! Really, you’ve done the hardest part, making the leap. Now you just have to fill yourself with positive thoughts and it will all come together. Actually, I think that’s been the single most important thing for me, making a shift from a somewhat ‘that will never work’ sort of a person to ‘why on earth not?’. It’s really incredible the things that start happening when you focus on the good instead of the bad. The longer you’re out of the job you hated, the more you’ll wonder why you found it so scary to leave. Can’t wait to hear what’s going to happen for you…
Lots of love xx
Hi Leah,
What helps me when I am feeling the overwhelm is: only today really matters. Overwhelm only creeps in when I start to think of yesterday and tomorrow! So, I try to keep present.
Hope this helps you a little too,
X
Hi Sanaz,
I’m totally with you. However, it seems like such a difficult skill to master sometimes when you’re head is full of what’s gone before and what’s still to come. But it’s good to be able to recognise what you’re doing and bring yourself back to the present. Our acting teacher is drilling us 4 hours a day on the importance of being in the moment so it’s bound to rub off eventually!
xx
Hi Leah
Great blog and well proud of you for all you are accomplishing. I set up The Actors’ Temple 10 years ago with Mark and we’ve both been through the training and know how rigorous but also how incredibly freeing and inspiring it is -and how it allows you to create in ways you never thought possible! I’ve been gathering testimonials, one of which is from Marcus Roberts – hence me being led here. If you’re happy – I’d love to post this blog entry up on our homepage and facebook? Warmest wishes, Ellie xxx
Hi Ellie,
Thanks for getting in touch and for checking out the blog – pleased you like it! The training is going to be life changing for me, I’m sure of that. Sometimes it feels like my worst nightmare and yet you couldn’t tear me away from it. It’s been a big journey for me getting to this point and I know that the training is going to do me a lot of good. It’s a very special place. Of course I would be more than happy for your to use the blog entry on your homepage and facebook! Hope to meet you at some point! Leah xxx
Hi Leah, so glad I came across your blog. I’ve signed up for the Intro course to the 16 week course and am chomping at the bit to start! I’m so ready for it and for change. I jacked in my desk job and am following my heart. Yikes! Hope you get loads from the course. I’ll follow your blog! Victoria
PS – actively trying to fail is really liberating. I’m a failure right now! Great!
I had some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) last year and discovered I’m one of those perfectionists that unconsciously set such high, out-of-reach standards for myself that I never finish anything! I fail at the first hurdle, every time! How about that? Who knew? Well, that changed my perspective on who I am. And ever since then, I have been trying to over-rule that way of thinking and taking risks even if I do end up ‘failing’. In fact, until recently, I rarely commented on blogs because I thought I might write something that someone, somewhere disapproved of!
Hi Victoria,
Firstly, congratulations on quitting your job and following your instinct! Welcome to life as it were meant to be. You won’t regret it! When are you starting your intro course? We should try and grab a coffee – would love to talk to you about your journey from desk job to Actors’ Temple sometime. The intro course came at just the right time for me and I’m pretty sure that if I’d done any other sort of acting training before that I probably would have deduced that acting wasn’t for me and left it at that. But the Actors’ Temple course is incredibly powerful. After years of office work during which I felt like my entire personality had been almost erased, the intro course really reminded me what it was like to really let go, to feel and to be amongst other people who had a similar outlook on life.
I had CBT too, some time back, around problems with anxiety. Like you, I always expected so much of myself and failure wasn’t an option. I still expect a lot of myself but slowly my feelings about failure are beginning to change. Life is unpredictable since I left my job and sometimes that’s scary, but more than that it’s so exhilarating to face all the fears that have held you back and to remember that life is short and we really do have to make the most of it! Thanks again for commenting and let’s catch up when you start your course!
Dear Leah, thank you for writing such a brave and open piece which I am sure will help other actors/artists. You are bound to get loads out of the training. i certainly found it very scary and messy when I did it a few years back and now I only wish I had allowed it to overwhelm me more!
Hi Geraldine. It’s a hard thing, isn’t it, allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by your feelings? It’s horrific and amazing all at the same time. How did you come to do the training at the Actors’ Temple? I’m glad you like the post…..
Leah
People have always told me I have no shame. After two weeks at the Actors’ Temple, I now really don’t. I found myself announcing this morning “I want Nick to look at me because I want him to like me. This is because I feel unimportant and unheard as we’ve established.”
BTW, our morning class is hugely jealous of your afternoon class.
Hi Laura! Ha ha ha – that’s hilarious. The things that go on in those classes is really something else. I find myself trying to explain to other people I know about it but it’s just not possible! Don’t worry, I feel unimportant too – I just want someone to understand me. Errm, WHY is your class jealous of OUR class?! Also, who’s Nick and has he looked at you yet?
hi there,
I really enjoyed your blog entry and can definitely relate. I took the 16-week course at the actor’s temple in 2011. I just moved to England from Canada and took the intro week mainly to meet people and to get into a class and fell in love with the place and committed to taking the course before I even had a job in London, lol. Not wise. However I got a job just before the course started also in a theatre working all 8 west end shows, plus the course and also auditioning. I was also going through very serious personal problems and found just watching the other actors work to be upsetting. I too panicked with the over-load and how I depressed I also was but I stuck with it. I was also ignorant of the fact that you need to practice so much to get really good at repetition outside of class. Plus the further exercises.
As we progressed I fell in love with everyone in the class and actually it helped me deal so much with my personal problems that I was became so happy after the first month. I was still tired a lot, lol and cursed going there some days after such little sleep but it was so worth it. It made acting so much more fun for me and made me feel much more confident as a craftsman. It has changed my life for the better and it will change yours, I’m sure.
Stick with it! Best of luck. You’re in good hands.
Robert – yesterday was really tough for me, so to come home to your comment waiting for approval in my inbox was just what I needed. To know that other people have been and are going through all the same things I’m experiencing now is something of a comfort and makes me realise that it’s possible. Like you say, sometimes everything that you’re going through makes just going to the class and watching others upsetting. I spent almost the entire 4 hours yesterday crying whilst watching what was going on in front of me. My class are wonderful though and I feel safe with them…
Thanks for getting in touch and for sharing your story – it came at a really good moment for me. Are you running classes in Toronto now?
you’re welcome. Yeah I’m teaching now as well. They showed me how to make money as well, lol. Hang in there. Watching your fellow classmates and crying can be a good thing because they’ve really moved you but when it’s moving you to tears because you can’t stand watching such raw emotion because you feel it too much in your personal life is another story, lol.
If you find you’re having problems speak to whoever your teacher is. Not sure if it’s Gary or Simon but they will help, as I’m sure they already are, or it’s come up while you’re up and working, lol. I’m sure you’re enjoying yourself but you will more and more and more I’m sure. If you’re feeling down before class, check in with yourself, accept it and release whatever you’re feeling and you’ll find you’ll be ready to work or will be aware of it. When the 16-weeks are over you’ll want to do it again. Not right away, lol, but you will find yourself wanting to do it again.
It’s been a good week at the ‘Temple’ Robert. I’m amazed every day at the work we do. Gary is taking our class. He misses NOTHING! Couldn’t have wished for a better teacher…
I can well imagine that this sort of training becomes a bit addictive and nothing else will feel like enough afterwards and I wouldn’t be at all surprised to feel like I wanted to do it all over again even though that seems like utter madness!
My dear Bambo
))
Everything you wrote show how well you ARE ACTUALLY COPING with them all. Just a quick note to share with you a really important thing that I’ve learn. We are all used to say ” I can’t do them all, or it’s too much- I AM JUST A HUMAN BEING” but the error and the beautiful paradox is that actually a human being is capable of many amazing, incredible things! Sometimes even seeming supernatural. Ex: ( newspaper article) a little boy slipped his foot under a car trying to get his ball and got stuck….and his mother, a very skinny woman, was capable of lifting the car completely off the ground to save her child etc and examples are many in science, technology, philosophy, sports, arts etc….the human being is not “ONLY” a human being. Being a human being it’s a big thing because we are capable of many extraordinary things!!! So first step, and I tell it to you, I tell it to myself as well
: don’t even call it “overwhelm” …just call it abundance 
Love
See you at the Actors Temple
I love my new acting family and my new Bambo nickname! And thank you for sharing that story. You’re right that we’re capable of A LOT and sometimes things that you would think impossible. I believe in the impossible now. I really, truly believe we can be anything and everything we want.
xxx
I just hope that after all your hard work and shelling out all your hard-earned cash to them, they put you forward for Equity acting work. Let me know and best of luck!